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Saving the Baby: An Alternative to Courtship

August 14, 2014

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By Jesse Jost

Bath time doesn’t always go like it should. Especially when little kids get excited. Bathwater is supposed to be pure, clean, and bubbly. But when you put real kids in there, the bathwater gets disgusting. Many parents, broken and bruised by the sexually charged dating scene, wanted a clean, fresh alternative to “dating” for their kids. So they poured a hot, fresh bubble bath called “courtship” that was free from the filthy contaminants of “recreational” dating. The plan was simple: Put the kids through this new system and the problems of promiscuity, broken hearts, and divorce would be washed away.

But as people settled into the suds, some of them began p**ping in the bathwater. Now, thanks to the filth and grime of human nature, the waters of courtship are dirty and murky. Single young people are looking at what has happened to their friends and older siblings, and they don’t want to get in the grungy water. I feel for them; they want something better.

I want to look at a few ways courtship has gone wrong, but I also want to spare the baby in the bathwater, by checking out some valuable contributions that courtship thinking offered. I’ll finish off with fresh clean bathwater. Continue reading…

Recovering Friendship and True Love: Answers to the Dating vs. Courtship Controversy | Princess Cut
The Great Courtship Debate
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The Modesty Talk for Men

July 29, 2014

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By Jesse Jost

I have held my tongue long enough. Of course, I hold my tongue like a toddler holds a 25 lb. barbell. As women shed their winter fur (coats) along with most of whatever else they used to wear, the modesty debate rises to the surface, trying to take the place of the discarded clothing. I read almost every modesty article, pro and anti, that shows up in my various news feeds. I believe quite strongly in the merits of modest dressing as I wrote here. However, while women have been scrutinized, harped on, measured, and discouraged, I see a serious problem that modesty culture has obviously not done enough to address.

Modesty is often held up as The Way to help men overcome their lust problem. The consequences of this idea are lethal: Guys feel helpless or justified in succumbing to the lustful glance whenever they see a girl who is “immodest” by their standard. Girls get discouraged and then angry when they feel like they are unfairly carrying the burden of men’s purity. Because they react to this bad reason for modesty, they often can’t see the more valid and godly reasons for modesty and throw clothing restraint to the wind.

I want to be clear upfront: modesty will not solve the problem of lust! I am ashamed that we Christian men have let this problem get so far. We need be more ruthless in attacking lust and take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. It is ridiculous to blame the Christian girl in your circle for your lustful thoughts. If you lusted after her, she is not the problem. If she was completely covered up you could still find a way to lust, if not over her then over some other girl, and in our sexually charged culture, you wouldn’t have to look very far, in fact, perhaps no farther than your next thought. Continue reading…

A sister in Christ • November 4, 2014

And just to clarify, sir, what your wife is doing aggravates me greatly. Not only because of how it affects you as her husband, but also because it greatly affects your children and may easily skew their ideas of marriage and family and ultimately God. That is the worst part. I am sick of seeing so many messed up families.
Still Learning • February 5, 2015

Anonoymous, I’m glad you read the book 5 Love Languages. When I was still only dating my wife I overheard someone with an awesome marriage talking with a coworker about how he finds it redicuouls that people study english and math and history for over a decade of their life in school but when it comes to how to have a successful relationship with a spouse we will spend the rest of our lives with most people resign themselves to a few counseling sessions the months leading up to marriage if they are even willing to do that. I’ve taken it to heart and been blessed enough to have a mentor in my life that has had a long and successful marriage guide me in my perpetual growth in this area. If you have are still willing to study there are a few other books that have helped me a great deal. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches and His Needs Her Needs by Willard E. Harley have been incredibily insightful and definitely opened my eyes to a whole new way of communicating in ‘her’ language and vice versa. (I had to read and take action first and she because interested in where I learned to connect better so that she decided to read it herself.) A solid rule to live by in every aspect of life but seems to apply specifically here in this circumstance: Be the example. As men we may not be nearly as attractive as a women but we can’t be hypocrites. And don’t expect a 1 to 1 ratio in returns. Just as a basic leadership principle the bad example we show tends to get duplicated twice as much. The good example we live out only tends to be duplicated half as much. In other words put in twice as much effort as you wish your wife would put in. If you want to understand women better so that you can reach your wife better and engage in more emotional and heartfelt communication a fantastic book to read is Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. A book that really lays out the role of the man better than any other I have read thus far is Maximized Manhood by Edwin Louis Cole. John and Lisa Bevere have also written some amazingly insightful and challenging books that have forced me to confront areas of my live I was dropping the ball and didn’t even realize it. They have a marriage devotional called the The Story of Marriage that engages both spouses. John wrote one that may help renew your spirit called The Bait of Satan.
These are a few that I’ve found incredibly helpful and recommend as often as I can and I even have copies in my car of several of these so that I can loan them out when needed. The only other advice that I have is to find someone that has a great marriage and become a protege. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Cor.10:13) Also, Romans 12:1-2 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
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A Plea for Intellectual Humility

June 9, 2014

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By Jesse Jost

There is a universal human condition known as “naïve realism.” It is the tendency to believe that what we perceive is reality. Our brain prides itself on its ability to see things clearly. Our sight is reliable, isn’t it? Our ability to observe and make sense of what we perceive is remarkable. But life is far more complex than we can comprehend. There is way too much going on for our minds to be able to take it all in. We miss details – in fact, it is impossible to not miss them.

In the center of your eye there is a blind spot that cannot receive information. We are walking around with a hole in our vision but we never know it because the brain says, “No problem, I’ll just guess at what should fill in that blank.” The brain then makes up information to complete the picture. It does an amazing job of guessing correctly most of the time, and we get along fine, until someone asks us to get something for them from the cupboard!

What our brain does with our physical blind spot is exactly what it does with our metaphorical blind spots. We have huge knowledge gaps about the world around us, but the brain makes up information to complete the picture and we smugly think we see it all. Naïve realism. Not a big deal, right? It’s a system that seems to be working well. You’ve probably heard it said that the devil is in the details. I would like to argue that the devil is in the details that get missed. Our faulty perception is the devil’s playground. I believe our enemy is very eager to help fill in the blind spots with erroneous information that is designed to deceive and destroy the body of Christ. Continue reading…

Jamie • June 25, 2014

Speaking the Truth in love….very important. Truth being the prominent object, love the vehicle. My one question would be, if in doctrinal issues other than the gospel, we are to see ourselves as fallible, and be open to the idea that our friend, with whom we may disagree, may be correct…. to be consistent, shouldn’t we also use that same principle in our understanding of the gospel itself? ” Perhaps our atheist friend is correct? Maybe I am wrong and need to change my opinion?” LOTS of good thoughts in your blog that we can all benefit from, but I am confused at how you differentiate our ability to discern some Truth from other Truth. (i.e. – we can wholly trust our view of what the gospel is, but distrust our understanding of say…Grace and Works, male and female roles, end times, etc., etc.) Shouldn’t our fallibility drive us to 2 Tim 2:15..study, study, study, accurately handling the Word of Truth. And speak the truth in love as accurately as we know how. Not to be ‘right’, but simple because God has graciously given us His Truth. Lots of it. And yes, another believer may have more Scriptural knowledge than we do, which should be humbly considered. Polemics used to be a core seminary subject, but has been routed out by the PC police. Just don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Jesse Jost • June 26, 2014

Jamie, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I have been wrestling with this issue since I posted this and I have written a postscript to clarify my position. God bless!
jamie • June 26, 2014

Great postscript. You are a good thinker and writer. I look forward to reading your blog.
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Brain Tricks: Simple Ways to Exploit Your Human

May 17, 2014

inChristian Living, Wormwood

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By Wormwood, Ph. D.

(Intercepted by Jesse Jost)

The human brain is a disgustingly powerful little tool. But there are certain design flaws (others would call them “efficiencies”) that we demons can capitalize on to maximize human misery. I want to share some strategies I’ve honed over the centuries that take full advantage of the brain’s natural weaknesses.

These strategies work because humans place way too much trust in their powers of perception. When a human looks at the world, he believes that what he sees is the way things really are. When he remembers, he trusts that his vivid memories are accurate, and when he imagines the future, he assumes he is seeing clearly. Obviously we know that there is far too much going on in the world for any human mind to fully grasp it all, so the brain is selective in what it records and what it ignores. When the brain records what is going on around it, it chooses what sensory details to remember and what to leave out. If a person did not have this ability to tune things out, he would go crazy.

Most humans are aware of the fact that they miss certain details and they are okay with that, yet they are also confident that they have an accurate view of what is going on. But when they pull up their memories, there is a process going on they seem to be blissfully unaware of. You see, they think their memory is like a video recorder and that the memory files are stored just like they are recorded. But if everything was actually recorded that way, these files would be way too big for the brain to handle. In reality, the brain only selects a few key details and stores them in a compressed file. When the brain recalls a memory, it pulls up those details. However, in order to recreate the memory, the few details are not enough, and this is where it gets fun for us. Continue reading…

Don Frantz • May 19, 2014

Excellent, Jesse. So much accurate recognition of our weakness, via the mouth of one who wants to do us harm. So glad you intercepted and shared the letter!
Lori • May 21, 2014

Amen and amen. Thank you so much for sharing, Jesse. I have found these principles true in my own life and I praise Jesus for the over riding power of His Spirit to turn evil experiences into something beautiful.
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Confessions of a Purity Advocate

April 30, 2014

inChristian Living, Purity

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By Jesse Jost

I struggle with lust. I have found myself doing things that if I knew others were watching me, I would nearly die of shame. I know what it is like to feel that I am no longer in control, shocked at where I am headed. When I hear of another Christian leader falling prey to sexual scandal, I cannot judge them; I can only shudder at our mutual frailty. I have been terrified to look back and find that I was under some kind of spell, hungry for something that I normally would abhor.

Fighting when you don’t want to win

In most battles, the combatants want to win. What makes the battle against temptation so difficult is that when the battle is the fiercest, you no longer want to win. Fighting for a victory that you want to lose takes more willpower than most of us have. So I fall. Then I prayerfully knock off the dust and get up and keep fighting. Why? Is the battle for purity really that important?

In the middle of the struggle, our hideous enemy uses some kind of potent chemical warfare that causes us to forget the reasons this fight is important. I want to record why I fight for holiness. But first, I want to clarify what this purity struggle isn’t. Continue reading…

Tys • May 2, 2014

Jesse, great style of writing and well organized, you have a very compelling and engaging style of literature. It stems from the topics that you’re very passionate about, and I love how it translates a level of dedication to your work and life, simply through your words. Always great to read about you buddy
Jesse Jost • May 2, 2014

Thanks, Tyson. That means a lot!
annonymous wife • May 3, 2014

You are not alone in your fight. You are rare to admit it openly. It is needed to be talked about. The fight is far more common than any will admit. It is a fight that both my husband and I have. It took us years to confess to each other these struggles and talk openly. We have had to deal with a lot of pain from emotional/virtual infidelity. Some may not think that’s a big deal but truth be told it cuts just as deep. Jesus said if you lust after a woman in your heart you have already committed adultery with her. And it feels the same as flesh adultery in the marriage. It’s so agonizing, you think you have it beat and next thing you know you are down that road again. The Lord is good and does leave us a way out but am still always disgusted that we started down the path in the first place. And though I rarely hear of it, it is a struggle for us women too. It is an evil work that destroys trust in a marriage. I can’t even count the hours of agony I have spent alone mourning and nursing my wounded heart and pride from my husbands infidelity, then to be reminded my thoughts are no better, I just kept them inside and did not act on them. It is even embarrassing writing this little note about it. I am afraid someone might read it and recognize me. More so I am afraid they might get tripped up seeing a Christian fighting this. So thank you for being bold enough to take the first step. I pray it blesses others to admit the problems, and fight the devil and his cruel tactics. Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
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Is Purity Culture Oppressive to a Woman’s Sexuality?

March 6, 2014

inFamily, Purity

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By Jesse Jost

I recently read an article on articlebuffet.com (also known as facebook.) It was called “Naked and Ashamed: Women and Evangelical Purity Culture.” The article was a condensed master’s thesis by a woman who was arguing that purity culture is oppressive to a woman’s sexuality and causes long-lasting emotional and psychological devastation. She felt that the purity movement makes a woman feel like her body is sinful and a stumbling block to men, that the burden of purity rests on the woman and men get off easy, and that any sexual desire is shameful. All of this causes a woman to be repressed and hate her sexuality. Her case is corroborated by testimony, and by the number of likes by evangelical females the article received, I would say she has uncovered a serious problem in this movement.

So the short answer to the question in my title is “Yes, elements of purity culture have been oppressive to some women.” As a man, I am limited in how much of this I can address, but I have a mother I greatly respect, three sisters I adore, a wife that I love with everything I have, and a precious little daughter that I would die for. I also have a very strong protective streak. Anything that oppresses women or damages their emotions or sexuality makes me irate very quickly. I read her article with concern and I hurt for the women who have suffered because what they’ve been told about purity and their bodies. But I need to ask, “Is it the purity culture that is to blame? Or is it the purity message?” A culture contains fallen humans and so any “culture” can become oppressive. I need to know if it is the purity message itself that is causing the harm. I want to address the factors that I think are causing the pain, but also look at the alternative. If we throw away purity culture, what will take its place and will the alternative be any better? Continue reading…

T Lipp • March 7, 2014

Thanks for the good thoughts Jesse, I’ve had several conversations about this topic lately. Specifically with colleagues who love Jesus and are from cultural backgrounds were there is less “purity culture” and see how demeaning “purity culture” is to sexuality. I think you made a good distinction between the message and the culture, that’s an important distinction to make.

What I’m starting to ponder now is, how can you foster a culture that encourages both purity and sexuality. Is that even okay to say? Maybe I should have put “God-given” in front of sexuality, but then again I didn’t feel it necessary to put “God-given” in front of purity….
Chris • April 1, 2014

Guys suffer from religion-induced sexual dysfunction too.I was at work several months ago and thinking about the depression and anger that plagued me throughout much of my teen years, and I think much of it can be linked to Jesus’s words about lust in Matthew 5. I often felt guilty and angry when I felt any kind of sexual urge, and since adolescence is a time when we guys feel that frequently, there was a ton of anger and guilt. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I saw a minister on TV teach that the purpose of those passages wasn’t to make us feel guilty or repress our sexuality, but to emphasize God’s grace, to make us realize how much we need Him in our daily lives, and the fact that Jesus was “showing up” the Pharisees by telling them that they weren’t nearly as good at following the Law as they thought they were.. It was like, “Gee, NOW someone tells me.”

Some women who’ve blogged about being indoctrinated into this lunacy describe having thoughts and feelings that are classic symptoms of childhood sexual abuse and many of them pertain to me. The fact that I haven’t pulled a Columbine is proof that God is indeed merciful, so I can only hope that something good can come out of this. He’s got His work cut out for Him; this is a person who’s spent nearly as of his adult life under incomprehensible turmoil.
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A Poisonous Reason for Emotional Purity (and an Antidote)

March 1, 2014

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By Jesse Jost

In an effort to keep young people from entering a damaging series of physical and emotional romantic entanglements followed by painful break ups, a number of writers have appealed, “save your heart for your future spouse!” They claimed that every time you had your heart broken, it became lessened in some way, and was now less special because you had an emotional attachment to someone other than the one you would marry. You had given away a piece of your heart and no longer had your whole heart to give. The pure un-bruised and unbroken heart was more valuable to your spouse and would make your love deeper and more fulfilling. It was an idea that sounded good on the surface, and appealed to parents and young people alike. But I believe presenting the message in these terms has put a fatal twist on the truth and is creating devastating consequences.

The side effects:

Lost vision

In a world of deceptive hearts longing for love, it is just a matter of time before someone breaks yours. The only way to avoid having your heart broken is to never love and never hope. People who choose to love will give parts of their heart away and will be hurt. For the vast majority of young people who have loved and been hurt, it’s a discouraging thought that their chances of a quality marriage are tied to whether or not their heart has been broken. Continue reading…

LM • September 3, 2014

No matter how one tries to ‘guard one’s heart’, if there is a moment when one decided to take the plunge and believe in love, there is also vulnerability. Trust can always be broken, ever after tying the knot. Eventually, we have to trust in God and the nudges He is giving us. We can believe in His goodness, but that does not eradicate the risk of being rejected and let down, at some point… There is no sure guarantee from heartache, before we safely enter the Gates of Heaven!
Lydia • May 18, 2015

Thank you SO much for this article! It was exactly what I needed to hear for what I’m going through as a young 20 something single.
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Courtdate: A Generation of Courtship Culture on Trial

February 7, 2014

inFamily, Purity

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By Jesse Jost

In the 1980s, many parents were appalled at the heartbreak and devastation of a culture that had lost its biblical moorings. The abuse of sex and drugs and education were creating a living hell. Adults who were saved out of this environment decided that they wanted to make climate change a reality. Their fierce and passionate love for their kids motivated them to act drastically: Take their kids out of their schools and surroundings and give them a new culture based on biblical principles. These brave pioneers set out on uncharted paths and experimented with new methods of education, discipline and romance.

Baggage from the parents’ previous relationships and painful memories from the past only intensified the desire to protect their children in the minefield of love. Having seen the dangers of the casual dating and easy sex model that was becoming the norm, parents were hungry for an alternative. Josh Harris, Elizabeth Elliott, Michael Phillips, Eric and Leslie Ludy and Jonathan Lindvall, were just a few of the thinkers suggesting alternative relationship models categorized under titles like courtship or betrothal. Some common themes running through these suggestions were: more parental involvement throughout the marriage process, replacing aimless “recreational” dating with a focused courtship process, and a renewed emphasis on “guarding and saving your heart” for your future spouse. It was a call back to the ideal of being a one-woman-man and a one-man-woman for life. But while Josh Harris and many others were “Kissing Dating Goodbye,” others saw warning signs and wrote rebuttals such as “I Gave Dating a Chance” by Jeremy Clark. Continue reading…

The Great Courtship Debate
The Daily Roundup: 18 February 2014 - SOG- Servants of Grace
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How will I know it? Thoughts on Finding the “Right One”

January 17, 2014

inFamily, Purity

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By Jesse Jost

Johnny Reid sings about a question that is burning on the heart of a boy: “How will I know it” when I find the right person for me to marry? The song gives the very insightful answer, “You’ll just know it.” And then Reid confirms that every time the young man kisses or loves his partner now, “He just knows it!” If only it were that simple.

The choice of who you will marry is, to use a Latin phrase, decisionus giganticus. Especially if you believe, as I do, that God wants marriage to be permanent. Not only is it an irreversible decision, it is one you must make with huge unknown factors. How will job stress, career moves, chronic health issues, children, accidents, change this person? How well do you really know this person? How well do you have to know him or her before you commit for life? With so many uncertainties and the stakes so high, we crave signs of confirmation, physical or spiritual, that we are doing the right thing.

In this article I want to explore “what is a successful marriage?” How can we find God’s will for us in all things romantic? How much of the decision-making process should be based on discerning signs and interpreting feelings? What constitutes a healthy exploratory relationship? The scope of these questions would make a better book than an article, so bear with me in the length. I’ll try to be concise. Continue reading…

Kristin • April 13, 2014

Very good article!! I have also found a longer webinar by Mr. Botkin at Western Conservatory on “Marrying Well” that discusses many of the same points you have addressed. It is a blessing to see so many more people scripturally approaching this topic of “marriage”. Thank you!
Rebecca • May 23, 2014

I really appreciated this article! Thank you for it. It encouraged and guided me as a single Godly woman looking and waiting for my future husband. Loved the practical advice that others tend to shy away from talking about.
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In Defense of Modesty

January 8, 2014

inPurity

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By Jesse Jost

Maybe it’s my German/Syrian heritage, but I seem to be drawn toward minefields, not the kind that blow off literal limbs, but the issues that stir up deep feelings and controversy. It’s not that I like conflict. I am far too much a sucker for human admiration to want to needlessly anger people. But I believe that God has a design for the way we should live our lives and interact with our fellow masterpieces of creation. I also believe that Satan, God’s sworn enemy, has his sights on corrupting our behavior in a way that maximizes human suffering and tears our social fabric. I also believe that the way we dress affects our relationships with others and ourselves.

A factor that complicates this issue of dress is that we are sexual beings. God made us in such a way that we can be transformed into creatures that are obsessed with sex. This thing of sexual arousal is quite a fascinating quirk of human nature and an amazing gift. Without the switch that turns us “on” or “off”, think about how different life would be! If we were stuck in the “on” position, normal human interaction would be very difficult, there would be no mental space left to create, or worse, discover new food flavors. We would be restless animal maniacs, always braying, never content. Conversely, if we were stuck in the “off” position, much of the wonder and passion that makes life so thrilling would be never known. So we have this switch, but it gets even more complicated. What turns this switch on and off is different for men and women, not to mention each individual. And the switch being turned on does not always send the same charge. Continue reading…

Susan • May 3, 2014

I am glad you speak on this topic. It is only women’s vanity that prevents us from following God’s suggestions of modesty. When we surrender our lives to our Father we want to please Him; that means putting off our flesh, our vanity, our pride. We need to be thinking of our sisters in the Lord and not provoking jealousy, thinking of our brothers in the Lord and not promoting temptation. And it does go both ways; men can dress nice but they can dress tempting too and need to be aware of that but most certainly it is much more common in women. We are to be a testimony of Jesus in all we say and do, and that includes our appearance. Thank you and continue your ministry, it is needed.
Bethany • December 8, 2014

One thing that REALLY stood out to me was the sentence, “When a woman’s physical beauty is elevated against the rest of her qualities she ultimately is being degraded.” That is such a profound statement!
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